This is exactly why I hate myself. I never keep promises made to myself. Then all that self-loathing eats me from inside, killing small parts of me. I promised, I swore that I won’t smoke again but now I feel like all that was just bullshit. Why, why is my motivation so fragile? Why can’t I just stick to my word? Why can’t I just allow helping myself? Why am I just a piece of shit? It’s like I was searching for a reason to quit, to give up. Once my laptop broke down, I stopped writing and once my support system went, everything just came crumbling down. Now I don’t even know if I’ll be able to quit smoking ever. When I was a kid, I remember listening to people saying how hard it is to quit. And I used to wonder, what’s so hard in not smoking, you just have to not smoke, that’s it. Now I know its fucking hard. I wish I’d never started in the first place. Anyways now that my laptop is fixed and I have started writing again, I hope that I am again to quit for the last time for the sake of myself. As Tim Robbins says ‘Hope is a good thing’ and I really hope that it is.

Till then…


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